I never expected to get married. Not really. I didn't spend hours of my life fantasizing about my perfect wedding.
I was engaged a few times when I was younger and then went through a 10 year stretch of having no serious relationships. I never understood all the emphasis women put on ONE day; so much that the meaning of it was always obscured by the focus one the flowers and the centerpieces.
When I met my fiance and our relationship developed into the healthy, loving committed partnership it is now I started wanting to get married, but I felt like I didn't really care about the wedding, I just wanted to know that he loved me enough to choose me.
Then he did and from that moment I have been obsessed with the wedding.
At first I felt self-conscious trying to imagine my fantasy wedding. I thought, I'm old and fat now, it's not like I can look like a princess or anything and it would be silly to try. I should just do something understated and simple, just a few people, no big deal.
But the more i started planning and researching and blog-reading the more I realized, that thinking was a bunch of bullshit. it was just fear and self-loathing that was telling me that my fat body meant i couldn't have what other people have.
I started planning my fabulous wedding and realized i want to share this love with everyone i care about. It's going to be a big-ass super-fun party and I feel great about it.
What I keep struggling with, however, is the temptation to try to lose a bunch of weight before the wedding. I have worked so hard to accept myself the way I am and to love my fat body and most of the time I'm good. The pressure to be perfect and gorgeous on our wedding day is overwhelming. I have to constantly renew my resolve to focus only on getting healthier, stronger, more flexible, and one feeling better in my body and NOT on getting skinny. The wedding planning will be stressful enough without starving myself and going to war with my body.
I refuse to do it.
If we are inundated on a regular basis with millions of messages that tell us our bodies, our faces, our teeth, our hair and our very souls are not good enough, that number is multiplied by a thousand as soon as we start thinking about out "Big Day".
It's like, if you can make this one moment the most perfect, beautiful, Hollywood Musical, romance novel perfect and shape yourself into the most beautiful Disney princess that anyone has ever seen, then you will finally be good enough.I can see how so many brides end up having complete meltdowns over the wedding. I am trying very hard to fight it and the Wedding Industrial Complex that promotes it.
Being a fat, happy, beautiful bride feels positively rebellious.
Happiness and love are not the sole domain of the thin and perfect. Anyone can be happy and everyone is lovable.
being rebellious is often a little scary. One of the scariest things I've done lately is going to try on wedding dresses. i went with a friend who is and in-betweeny and getting married in a few months. We were both nervous about trying on wedding dresses. I was convinced they would not have anything big enough to fit me and that the sales associate would be grossed out by my big fat body.
But neither of those things were true. We weren't in a regular clothes store, we were in a bridal store and as much as the diet industry may not want us to believe it's true, fat people get married all the time. They had a strapless bra that fit me and a whole rack of dresses.
The last one they brought out was not something I ever would have chosen. It was fluffy and beaded and SO bridey and when I looked in the mirror I thought "Holy crap. I'm a princess!"
I looked like a big, fat, sexy, beautiful fucking princess. All the sales people and customers were huddling around and complementing me and they started putting different veils on me, even a 10' long walking veil.
I am so glad we did it. I am buying that damn dress and no, i am not going on a diet or bleaching my teeth or doing anything to make myself something I'm not. I am going to be a fat bride and i am going to look hot.
- On being a fat bride.